on mr. nonchalant

To the nonchalant n*gga in my phone:

“Why are you yelling?” “It's not that deep” “Chill out”

Who hurt you so bad that you don't even react anymore?

You hear a joke and smirk. What happened to your laughter?

You succeed and you won't even grin. What happened to your smile?

You keep everything in. Nothing escapes. How do you do that?

Your favorite expression is a shrug. You don't even like hugs! 

You text in lowercase. Okay me too. But have you tried emojis? They have one for everything these days. 

If you used them maybe I could catch the vibe. I could understand your tone. 

But right now I am struggling to communicate with you, Mr. nonchalant. 

Because I am chalant. 

And Merriam Webster tells me that word does not exist but I can try to describe it to you. 

I feel everything!

I saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road and I shed a tear for it. No living being deserves to die alone and have their body lay out!

The last 10 pages of the book I just read had me crying. I was laying out in a hotel beach club in Puerto Rico!

I see couples holding hands in front of me and I smile for them. 

I’ve been seeing a lot of robins lately. When I see an expecting robin, I say a quick prayer for a successful hatching. 

I saw a very old man on the train the other day. I felt his wisdom. I felt his exhaustion just from getting on the train but I also felt his relief when he sat down! 

I stay away from movies about love because I’ll carry the character’s heartbreak with me way after the credits have finished. I’m talking days!

And I am putting exclamation points after all of these sentences because words alone don't get the point across. 

I wonder if you’ll read this and add some emphasis on those sentences. 

Probably not, Mr. Nonchalant. 

And I kept making myself feel less for you. I tried not to take things too seriously. But then I heard the birds. And I felt everything again. 

You have found a way to dilute the very things that make us human: our emotions and reactions.

I used to want you to teach me how to do that. But now I pray I’ll never learn.

I want nothing to do with diluting, concealing, suppressing,

or you.