On business as usual
**Trigger Warning: Violence, Death, Grief**
“ “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.” ”
On Tuesday I watched a Black Woman get shot in her face inside of her own home
And the officer called her a crazy bitch
And she called THEM for help
And asked them not to harm her
And then I went back to business as usual
‘cause the rent still has to be paid and the groceries still need to be bought
And I didn’t learn anything from that video and I didn’t need that proof to know that Black Women aren’t worth much to America
And on Wednesday I went back into the office and rode the bus with women that look just like Her
and I grew frustrated with the traffic from people going to business as usual, I grew resentful to the finance guy in the metro that didn’t make room for me because can’t you see I need my space right now?
I wanted to ask him:
“If Martha Stewart or Taylor Swift were shot in their face in their home would it be the topic of every conversation in your office today?”
Like WHY doesn’t the world stop when a Black woman is shot in the face inside of her own home (rhetorical question—I know the answer)
(This isn’t the first time they shot a Black Woman in the face inside of her own home )
WHY do we go back to business as usual and act like that didn’t shake us to our core, absolutely destroy our flow, and twist our insides?
I know you felt something after you watched that.
And I appreciate your reposts but can you not open up the store for a day? Can you shut down the department so business is NOT as usual? Can you please cancel all appointments?
I want time to stand STILL
I want us to STAND in front of her nightgown and head scarf with our hand over our hearts like they made us do for the flag
And on the bus Wednesday I thought about how the world requires the labor of Black women (emotional, spiritual, physical, organizational, familial) and I wondered if the women on the bus with me were wondering why the many different types of their labor go unnoticed and under-appreciated
And then I was reminded in the midst of all these thoughts that a Black Woman is currently campaigning to manage the entire country
And because we know a thing or two about labor, she might be the most qualified candidate to date
And I cried on the bus out of exhaustion
because I have also been laboring and it was early in the morning and all I wanted to do was rest
Rest
Where is the rest for Black women?
And this is probably my least put-together blog post but I honestly haven’t been put together since I watched that
It was like each second of that body camera footage untied the knot of order and control that I had tied (tightly and perfectly)
And now I am REALLY out of control
…not to mention I am OVULATING
and I’ve already told you how tired I am and I can promise you I’ve slept so much since Tuesday
But I guess ever since the HOUSE that she occupied and the HOME that she created became her DEATHPLACE, I haven’t really hit REM
and once again, WHERE is the rest for the Black Woman?
SLEEP doesn’t even do it
(There is absolutely a difference between SLEEP and REST but that’s another post)
Thursday I locked my bedroom door, which I don’t really do, but I am grasping for any type of security in my HOME (as if that would stop them)
(I live in an apartment but I cannot put it past anything in this world to become a threat to me)
Thursday I wondered if I should own some type of weapon
Thursday I wondered who I can call instead of the police
Friday I rode around on my rollerblades and this time I went to a new spot and I tried to focus on deep breathing and taking in my surroundings but I smelled guilt with one inhale because *I* was breathing deeply and She couldn’t. And then I thought if I became a victim at any given time I would want Black Women all over to breathe deeply and feed their brain with as much oxygen as possible
because that is such an ALIVE thing to do and Black Women should LIVE
and I know that’s what we’re TRYING to do but the ENEMY that is the STATE hates to see us doing such.
And after my ride I went back to my HOME and felt some relief
And since Friday I have been so kind to myself because I am grieving and I am emotional and did I tell you I’m OVULATING?
and I am trying to retie the knot of order and control but there is no instruction guide
So I read and consume the beauty, life, and serenity that Black Women put into EVERYTHING we touch
and my fingers started tying that knot back up (I wrote this)
which is really just more labor for me
also known as business as usual (?)
Sonya Massey.
how I visualize what I refer to in this post as the “knot of order and control.” this is a Chinese knot called a Caisson knot. It emphasizes orderliness, justice, and harmony.
