tears for 2023

I didn’t think that any year could be worse than 2020. 

I spent quarantine on my knees sobbing and mourning the time that was stolen from me. I felt so guilty for crying when people were dying. 

Not many people know that in 2021 I got “Jesus Wept” permanently inked on my inner arm on my 19th birthday to remind me that if Jesus cried when Lazarus died, 

and he knew he would bring Lazarus back to life, 

then I could cry too.

Even when I knew things would work out for me. 

I got that tattoo to remind myself to cry when it’s hard, to let those tears fall because for 18 years not a tear touched my cheek. I had been conditioned to believe tears were a sign of weakness– so I built floodgates and they never came out. 

2020 was bad, but then I met 2023. 

I cried a lot in 2023. A lot.

I cried walking to class. I cried walking home. I cried to my mom. I cried in the shower. I cried under the covers at 3am then woke up and cried some more. 

It’s the last day of 2023 and I am crying while writing this.

Jesus wept. And when he was finished, when he wiped those tears, he did what he said he would do (bring Lazarus back).

And so I’ll wipe these tears off with the sleeves of my sweatshirt and board the bus and go to practice.

Just like how I wiped my tears, walked into class, and still raised my hand. 

Just like how I wiped the tears that accumulated on my walks home and still made myself dinner, did my homework, showered, and went to sleep. 

Just like how I wiped my tears and still hugged my friends and laughed with them.

Just like how I wiped my tears and still opened up my computer every night to chase my dreams.

I write this post to applaud those moments— those vulnerable, painful, lonely, and tearful moments that won’t get posted in the end-of-year photo dump. Maybe you didn’t have as many of those moments as I did, or maybe you did. 

Regardless, the tears I wept in 2023 taught me that true strength is drying off your face, and then doing what you need to do. Doing what you said you would do. 

I said I would finish out basketball and I am going to do that.

I said that I was going to graduate from Brown and I am on track to do so. 

I am going to accomplish what I said I would…

after a good cry of course. 

To 2024,

GK